Star Trek: Dagger of the Mind (1966)

Here is a look at an episode from the original Star Trek series, which is the closet the entire franchise had to a Christmas episode.

In the franchise’s entire 51-year history, there’s only been one Star Trek episode of any of the six series that’s been holiday-themed. That episode was the original series’ “Catspaw”, which was the first episode filmed for the show’s second season, although it was the seventh aired. This is because NBC deliberately aired it during Halloween week 1967.

That episode is enjoyable enough, and it isn’t subtle about making references to the Eve of All Saints. After some checking, the only episode I found with any reference to the only holiday people spend more money on than Halloween (in other words, Christmas) is the original Star Trek‘s first season episode “Dagger of the Mind,” the ninth episode of that season to air.

Before I begin, for anyone wondering, no, I haven’t forgotten the Christmas reference in Star Trek: Generations. But considering how awful that film was, I prefer to forget it.

The story begins with the Enterprise arriving at the Tantalus penal colony, and the two guys in the transporter room begin beaming down cargo meant for the institute’s director, Dr. Tristan Adams (James Gregory). Kirk arrives to see the looks of confusion on the crewmen’s faces as the cargo isn’t actually beaming down. He has to remind them that they must get the colony itself to lower its security field which prevents the beaming. After the schmuck expresses embarrassment for his blunder (an expression everyone on Voyager would have when they looked at Harry Kim), the cargo beams down and he informs Kirk that there’s one package scheduled for the ship to beam up. After Kirk and the clueless transporter chief leave (presumably to prepare this new cargo, although I don’t know why the crewman had to leave to do that), the other transporter technician begins looking at the wall behind him and writing on the same Etch-a-Sketch pad that Kirk would often use to sign reports.

This is why he doesn’t see the cargo container open up behind him to reveal a wide-eyed man (Morgan Woodward) has stowed aboard the ship. This man stealthily makes his way toward the technician, knocking him out.

After the main credits, Kirk and McCoy discuss Tantalus, with the captain expressing admiration for how far such institutions have come thanks to Adams’s work. McCoy, however, just states that a prison is a prison.

The ship suddenly gets a message from the colony stating that one of their inmates has gone missing, and that this person is violent. The stowaway is next seen leaving the transporter room, now dressed like the guy he knocked out (how convenient that the poor schmuck had clothes that were just his size). A ship-wide alert is given before the inmate takes out a security guard, stealing his phaser.

Kirk contacts the colony and confirms to Adams that the missing inmate in on board. As the search continues, Spock and Bones have another of their funny arguments in which Spock points out the irony of how humanity makes it a point to imprison those who use violence privately. The inmate suddenly arrives, taking out another guard, and demands to speak to Kirk. He identifies himself as Van Gelder and tells Kirk that he doesn’t want to return to Tantalus. Kirk simply tells him to surrender his weapon, to which Van Gelder threatens to destroy the ship before Spock nerve pinches him. Van Gelder is taken to Sickbay as Kirk orders a return to Tantalus.

En route, Kirk tries to get answers out of Van Gelder. But the latter simply answers with gibberish and violent spasms before Bones puts him under. On the bridge, Spock informs Kirk that Van Gelder is indeed supposed to be at Tantalus, but not as an inmate. Rather, he was assigned at the location months earlier as Adams’s colleague. Kirk tells Uhura to raise the colony again and Adams confirms that Van Gelder was an associate of his, and that he attempted to perform experimental treatment on others. McCoy arrives and says that Adams’s story doesn’t exactly check out. But Kirk points out Adams’s achievements in his field. Adams asks if the ship knows of any better place they could take Van Gelder. Bones is at a loss, as there aren’t any.

Adams then invites Kirk to come to the colony to check things out, albeit with as few people as possible. Kirk accepts and tells Bones to assign someone who has knowledge in rehabilitative therapy.

Kirk gets ready to beam down and is startled to find the person McCoy picked for this assignment is Dr. Helen Noel (Marianna Hill), who brings up the fact that she and Kirk met before at a science lab Christmas party. The captain quickly shuts down any discussion on that matter, while Spock just has an amused look on his face. Kirk tells Spock that McCoy’s in deep trouble if Noel doesn’t do her job.

After they arrive, Noel requests that Kirk address her by her first name. But Kirk says this isn’t the time for that, as they go into an elevator which basically plunges to the duo a long way down before they’re greeted by Adams, who’s willing to address Noel by her first name as they’re two of many doctors on this planet (although, there’s no repeat of that “Doctor, Doctor” scene in Spies Like Us).

Adams offers his guests a drink while Kirk calls Spock to confirm they’ve arrived safely. The doctor then introduces Kirk and Noel to Lethe (Susanne Wasson), a former inmate who has since become a staff member. Despite Adams’s praise for her work, all Lethe does is answer questions with a blank look on her face.

As Adams gives the duo a tour of his facility, Kirk notices a device that Adams says is the reason for Van Gelder’s condition. Adams also states that he’s considering abandoning the device.

On the Enterprise, Spock is still trying to get answers from Van Gelder, who says “neural neutralizer” and refers to a “room”.

As it turns out, the device which caught Kirk’s eye is called a neural neutralizer, which Adams says is experimental. The doctor further states that Van Gelder tested it on himself, and overuse led to his condition. As Kirk and Noel leave, we see the machine being used on some poor guy who gets a horrified look on his face as he stares at the light flashing above him.

Spock informs Kirk of the references Van Gelder has made. Adams graciously excuses himself so Spock can repeat Van Gelder’s claims that Kirk and Noel are in danger. She brushes these warnings off. When Kirk says that he and Noel will spend the night at the colony, Van Gelder goes crazy shouting “NOOOO!!” Kirk signs off after assuring Spock they’ll keep checking in regularly. Van Gelder begs Bones to not put him under again, saying that Adams will destroy Kirk.

This leads to the first time we see Spock perform a mind-meld on someone, as a way of getting more info. He’s uncertain this technique will work on a non-Vulcan, but as subsequent episodes have proven, this concern is just lip service and nothing more. Van Gelder is sane enough to agree to undergo it.

Back on the planet, Kirk pops into Noel’s quarters and asks for her take on the inmates. She says they seem happy, but Kirk notes that they seem to share the stoned, blank look that Lethe did, and over Noel’s protests, he says he wants to check out the neural neutralizer again.

Spock’s mind-meld with Van Gelder makes the doctor calmer as he reveals that Adams is using the neural neutralizer to alter the minds of anyone he chooses.

Kirk asks for Noel’s assurances that she can keep the neutralizer in check as Kirk decides to test it on himself. Noel turns it on low for just a second and Kirk doesn’t seem to be aware anything has taken place. Their second try has Noel telling Kirk he’s hungry, a feeling he reflects afterward. Next, she brings up memories of the previously-mentioned Christmas party. But she says that, unlike at the real party, they actually had a more romantic time. We’re even treated to a “flashback” of the two making out despite the lack of mistletoe.

As Kirk is clearly enjoying this mind trip, Adams and one of his men burst in and subdue Noel. Taking the controls, Adams increases the machine’s strength, telling Kirk that he’s madly in love with Noel and there’s nothing but pain without her. Adams tells Kirk that she’s gone, causing Kirk pain. Adams then promises more pain as he tells Kirk to discard his phaser and communicator. Kirk attempts to contact the Enterprise, but the pain is too overwhelming.

Noel is next seen comforting Kirk as he professes his love for her. She tells him to remember what Adams did to him. Kirk is able to snap out of it enough to fiddle with a nearby vent, which he tells Noel to crawl through in order to reach the facility’s power source, which she can then disable.

As Kirk is tortured again by Adams, the doctor’s delight turns to anger when he learns Noel has vanished. Adams increases the pain on Kirk, demanding to know where she is. At the same time, Spock is attempting to beam down, but the colony’s force field is still up. But Noel manages to shut down the power, taking out the force field as well as the neural neutralizer. This gives Kirk a chance to take down Adams before making his escape.

Spock uses this chance to beam himself down, while Noel fights off a staff member, before frying him with the old “just touching the controls can electrocute you” gag. As she leaves, Spock arrives to permanently disable the field and restore the power. This, naturally, includes the neutralizer, which now has Adams in its range.

Kirk and Noel reunite at the other end of the vent. As she (weakly) attempts to discourage Kirk from passionately kissing her (and this is Kirk, so she’d have better luck getting Trump to stop being immodest), Spock steps in with a “why am I not surprised?” look on his face. Her reminder that Adams is the cause of this behavior makes Kirk realize Adams is under the neutralizer. As a security team beams down and takes control of the situation, Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Noel find Adams dead. Kirk states that Adams was alone, and thus had nobody to save him from basically having his mind drained.

Later, Kirk is back on the ship and Spock informs him that Van Gelder has destroyed the neutralizer.

This episode itself is a nice, creepy tale, with an especially intriguing first act. Gregory is appropriately smarmy as Adams, and Woodward (who would later appear in the second season episode “The Omega Glory”) does a good job at acting crazy.

Like the Next Generation episode “Frame of Mind”, this episode delves into the idea of someone losing their sanity (heck, both episodes have the word “mind” in their titles). But while that episode was told entirely from Riker’s point of view, we have more of an idea of what and who is behind the mind-bending proceedings here. It’s just a matter of seeing how Kirk will get out of it. The good news is both episodes are great viewing.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

This article looks at probably the most embarrassing chapter in the Star Wars canon (yes, even more embarrassing than the prequel trilogy).

For the holiday season, I decided to take a look at something that’s truly scary. No, I’m not talking about Black Christmas, Silent Night Deadly Night, or even Gremlins. I’m talking about a TV special that only aired once, November 17, 1978 on CBS, and that may be the reason why it was, for a time, considered an urban legend of sorts, until the emergence of the internet allowed anyone and everyone to go online and take a look, even if out of morbid curiosity, to see if there actually was a Christmas-themed Star Wars TV special. Yes, there was, and as anyone who’s ever dared to watch it will tell you, if this didn’t damage the Star Wars legacy as much as the prequels did, it comes pretty damn close.

The special begins with Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) onboard the Millennium Falcon being chased by two Star Destroyers, as Han tries to bring Chewie back to his home planet for “Life Day”, which I guess is some sort of Christmas-like holiday. We see stock footage of the ships exchanging fire, and the Falcon going to light speed before the title credits come up. Afterward, we see what looks like a luxurious treehouse on the Wookiee planet of Kashyyyk.

Chewie’s wife Malla, their son Lumpy, and Chewie’s dad Itchy (none of whom have been referenced in Star Wars lore since, thank God) are the residents of this house, and they’re awaiting Chewie’s arrival. We now get our first dose of pain from this special as the three Wookiees talk for several moments in their unintelligible language that only Han can understand. At least Jabba the Hutt and Greedo had subtitles, and we only got small doses of the Jawas, Sand People, and Ewoks bantering with each other. Lumpy quickly annoys his mom, Grandpa, and us before he finally quiets down after watching some sort of holographic show on a table similar to the one Chewie, C-3PO, and R2-D2 played chess on in the original film.

The Wookiee clan contact Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and R2, who are somewhere working on their X-Wing. This scene proves that even Luke can’t understand a damn word they’re saying as it takes Malla showing him a picture of Chewie for Luke to realize that they’re wondering where he is. Luke tells them he doesn’t know, but he’s sure Chewie will arrive soon.

Once Luke signs off, Malla contacts a trader named Saun Dann (Art Carney), whose shop is currently being inspected by Imperial troops (why? We never find out). Dann picks up Malla’s message and clandestinely tells her that both Chewie and Han are on their way. This leads to our next shot, which is deleted footage from the original film of Vader telling an officer to search everywhere on the Wookiee planet for rebels. How do we know this is deleted footage? Because the interior of the Star Destroyer that Vader is supposed to be on is as roomy as the Death Star (those lighted panels on the walls give it away, too).

More pain follows when we see Malla in her kitchen attempting to cook a “bantha rump” by watching a cook on TV. Unfunny antics ensue as Malla is unable to duplicate the cook’s technique as she has just two arms compared to the cook’s four. This cook is supposedly a woman but is played by Harvey Korman, who comes pretty close to making us forget that he was capable of making us laugh.

More stock footage appears as the Falcon is seen dealing with TIE fighters before Dann arrives at the Wookiee home. He brings gifts for the Wookiee clan, the most bizarre of which is some sort of virtual reality program he gives to Itchy. Considering that this was supposed to be a variety special the whole family could enjoy, it’s hard not to note the non-family friendly manner in which Dann describes this program to Itchy. The trader installs the data stick for the program, and Itchy begins enjoying it by sitting on his recliner and putting on special glasses. The program itself consists of singer/actress Diahann Carroll saying things such as, “I am for you!” I’m just wondering if Itchy really should be enjoying himself like this in the damn living room of his home.

Malla next contacts Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) and C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and informs them that Chewie hasn’t arrived yet. Like Luke and R2, we don’t have any idea where 3PO and Leia are calling from, but Dann assures the princess that everything’s in good hands (too bad the audience disagrees with him).

Han and Chewie finally arrive at the planet, but decide to land further from the Wookiee house than they’d like because of Imperial patrols in the area. Still more stock footage ensues as the Falcon enters the planet’s atmosphere.

Lumpy hears what sounds like the Falcon roaring by. Everyone is getting excited, especially when someone knocks at the door. Malla opens it only to find Stormtroopers and other Imperial officers on the other side. Tragically, they don’t instantly shoot the Wookiees down.

As the Imperials comb through the house, Dann attempts to keep them occupied by stammering when asked for his ID, and also insisting that Malla cook food for them. He even does Ed Norton’s “warming up the old soup bone” routine before distracting an officer by playing a Jefferson Starship video for him. Carney himself was truly one of the greats, and believe it or not, this moment is proof of that, as we can’t tell if Dann is really this dim-witted or if he’s putting on an act.

As the Stormtroopers search Lumpy’s room, he keeps himself occupied by watching a cartoon on a small TV. This cartoon has Luke, Han, Leia, Chewie, and the droids encountering Boba Fett. Lumpy then gasps when he sees that Boba Fett is in league with Vader. This prompts the Imperial officer in charge of rummaging through his home to wonder what the brat is aghast about. This is supposed to be a suspenseful moment, as Lumpy quickly changes the channel. Why the urgency? I guess the officer would be pissed if he saw Lumpy’s old man as a cartoon, and would be wondering why he wasn’t given a chance to be animated himself.

After the cartoon, Lumpy attempts to generate a false voice to make the Imperials return to their base. This requires the brat to watch a video on how to put together a voice-faking device, hosted by a stupid robot (Korman again).

The TV downstairs suddenly receives a news bulletin that Tatooine is under curfew by the Empire. For some reason, we next see footage of the famous Mos Eisley bar, now run by a woman named Ackmena (Bea Arthur, in her pre-Golden Girls days). She’s dealing with the many alien patrons the bar is known for, one of whom (played by, yep, Korman) attempts to flirt with her, even as he pours a drink in his head like he’s a plant (yes, I just typed that). The curfew announcement inspires Ackmena to lead everyone at the bar in song. Bea Arthur was renowned for her singing abilities, so I guess they had to crowbar them in there somehow.

At the same time, Lumpy is getting his machine together, and soon orders the Imperials out of there. One Stormtrooper stays behind and soon discovers that the brat tricked them into leaving. He chases the little Wookiee out of the house, even though he has a blaster.

Fortunately for Lumpy, and unfortunately for us, Han and Chewie are outside by this point, and Han tosses the Stormtrooper down the tree, which is pretty damn high.

With that, the Wookiee family is reunited, and they soon put on red robes and hold candles to celebrate Life Day. We then see many Wookiees appearing to walk into the sun while holding their candles.

But this apparently doesn’t fry them, because the next scene is all of these Wookiees in some sort of hall. Han, Leia, Luke, and the droids appear and wish Chewie and the rest a happy Life Day. Fisher then breaks into song, which proves she didn’t inherit her mom Debbie Reynolds’s singing talent.

We see a close-up of Chewie as clips from the original film are seen, reminding us of something better we could be watching. The special finally ends with Chewie and his Wookiee family holding hands at the dinner table.

So, is this special as bad as its reputation suggests? I can answer that in two words: HELL, YES.

I think it’s safe to say that both Star Wars prequel lovers and haters agree that this special is something best forgotten. Yes, it gives us a Star Wars cartoon (the first of many, as it turned out), but the special is never funny, and completely boring. Both Carney and Arthur are, amazingly, able to keep straight faces throughout this nonsense, but Korman is just embarrassing himself. The Star Wars cast themselves all look like they’d rather be elsewhere, especially Ford, who keeps the same “I gave up a bigger role in Apocalypse Now for this?” face throughout. The use of stock footage here is even more annoying than the flashbacks seen in the final episode of Deep Space Nine.

So how did a beloved movie spawn this painful bit of television? Well, once Star Wars became a huge hit, Charles Lippincott, the man who cemented Lucas’s deals with both Kenner and Marvel, was looking for other ways to keep the Star Wars momentum going. One of these was a Star Wars-themed episode of the CBS variety show Donny & Marie, with the hosts playing Luke and Leia as well as appearances by the droids and the legendary Redd Foxx as Obi-Wan Kenobi. The ratings success of this installment prompted the network to ask about doing a variety show entirely about Star Wars. Lucas did take some initial interest in the idea, and set up a Lucasfilm subsidiary he called Black Falcon to work with Lippincott to develop the special. Shortly after, however, Lucas cut off ties with Lippincott because he was displeased with how Lippincott supposedly lost Lucasfilm money in the Marvel deal by offering the first issues of the Star Wars comic for free. Lucas himself then lost interest in the special because pre-production on The Empire Strikes Back was well underway. As a result, the only ones left to deal with this bizarre assignment were people who had no idea what they were supposed to do because the one person in charge was focusing his attention elsewhere.

Hamill, Ford, and Fisher all reluctantly went along with this because of their contracts. And also, Fisher insisted that she be allowed to sing.

Put this all together and it’s no wonder that even George Lucas (who’s defended the prequels like there’s no tomorrow) hates this special. As SF Debris pointed out in his documentary The Shadow’s Journey, the infamy the special generated was one factor that ended up influencing Lucas into becoming more of a businessman during the making of Empire and Return of the Jedi, rather than the filmmaker he was when he made the original film.

In this day and age, we shouldn’t be surprised that there are people willing to fork out the cash to see just how bad this special is. But if you want to see a variety show about Star Wars that’s actually good, check out the aforementioned Donny & Marie episode, or even the 1980 installment of The Muppet Show which had appearances by Hamill, Mayhew, and the droids. Those two shows are actually enjoyable.