13 Fanboy (2021)

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD! Here now is a review of 13 Fanboy, the new film by Deborah Voorhees, which she previously discussed in my last interview. As with The Blair Witch Project, many of the characters in this film have the same name as their characters. This is why the film begins with Dee Wallace discussing fan mail she’s gotten over the years from someone who turns out to be obsessive. She goes on to say that this fan/stalker has also alarmed her BFF Deborah Voorhees, who has gotten similar unnerving correspondence from the same person.

We get a flashback to 13 years earlier at Deborah’s Voorhees Ranch. Deborah is tending her horses before warmly greeting her visiting granddaughter Kelsie (Poppy Gillett). As Deborah and Kelsie go hiking in the nearby woods, we see someone secretly taking pics of them. Deborah is alarmed when she sees those pics pop up instantly on her phone. She quickly collects Kelsie and they head out. We see the stalker briefly in Deborah’s barn, and Deborah’s assistant is quickly killed. In the house, Deborah finds a pic of herself (with her eyes crossed out, referring to her death scene in Friday the 13th Part V), Kelsie, and Dee on her computer. Instructing Kelsie to stick with her, Deborah takes her to a safe place to hide outside before she darts off with a pistol in hand to confront the stalker, who keeps bellowing out “Tina,” her Friday character name.

Sadly, the killer, wearing a mask with a skull on it, manages to stab Deborah repeatedly. She dies as Kelsie cries out. In the present, the adult Kelsie (Hayley Greenbauer) is running a self-defense class in Los Angeles. She gets a call from Dee saying she loves her, while avoiding the creepy gaze from the janitor. We next see Kelsie showering and begin to think that the killer is about to barge in on her. But, no, it turns out to be her boyfriend Chris (Drew Leighty), whom Kelsie quickly smacks out of brief fright before they begin making out. Alas, the janitor is spying on them. At their place, Kelsie and Chris are going over lines for an upcoming show. But they don’t realize that their place is bugged with someone watching them chat and have sex. The next scene is of a horror convention taking place in Pasadena, where we see Dee as well as other Friday the 13th alumni. Kelsie calls her friend Lar Park Lincoln (Tina in Part VII) to ask when she’ll be at the gathering. Lar says that she’s not sure since her son has had an accident. After the call, Lar notices that her photo album is missing. Another person in attendance is a producer named Mike Merryman (Corey Feldman, Tommy in Parts IV and V). As he attempts to flirt with a hot actress, Kelise and Dee become nervous enough to call security when they see someone with what appears to be a machete. But they assure the ladies that the guy is ok.

At one of the place’s eateries, Dee and Kelsie are joined by C.J. Graham (Jason in Part VI) and Judie Aronson (Samantha in Part IV). After a selfie, Judie shows them a news report on her phone saying that Lar has been murdered, with footage of her saying that she’s trapped somewhere. There is also a brief comment from the director of the project Lar was set to work on, saying that this may be connected to Deborah’s death. This leads to Judie speculating that this may just be publicity for that upcoming film. But Kelsie bolts to her hotel room, asking to be left alone. But she gets freaked out when she sees a pic of Deborah in her room, followed by someone knocking on her door. Kelsie calls security, but they say there’s nobody there, followed by the killer’s voice. Kelsie opens to door only to, yep, punch Chris again. Back in L.A., Kelsie goes to Lar’s home and sees a shrine to her at the front porch. Kelsie goes inside, only to be led out by cops, who tell her that, since there’s no body, this is all just a stunt. Kelise says that Lar would never leave her cat unattended, but the cops are adamant. Lar awakens in her prison, where she sees a wall of pics of Friday actresses. The killer walks in and quickly subdues her. He taunts her before leaving. Soon, Lar is quietly asking the killer to release her as he’s on the other side of the door. He replies that his dad used to lock him in the basement when he was bad. The killer adds that all he had for company was his VHS’s of scary films, hence his obsession with actresses linked to such series. Lar said she never got any of the letters he wrote but he keeps her locked up. Judie calls Dee to tell her that she’s getting creepy photos herself now. The killer’s next target is Tracie Savage (Debbie in Part III), who teaches classes on covering news stories. Not surprisingly, some of her students ask about her Friday involvement, but Tracie brushes it off. She gives them an assignment before dismissing them. Alone, Tracie starts getting creepy emails. She blocks the sender, but them gets creepy phone texts. On top of that, she finds blood inside her desk, along with the blue bikini she wore in her Friday appearance. Tracie calls security but the guard is dead. The killer’s taunts lead her to deduce that the blood is her husband’s, and her fear is confirmed when he doesn’t answer her calls. The killer takes care of the custodian and uses his keys to open to door to Tracie’s classroom, while she calls the cops. Tracie pins the killer’s hand to the desk with scissors, which, of course, pisses him off. The next scene is of the killer dragging Tracie’s body away. He is next seen watching Kane Hodder (Jason in several Friday pics) chatting with Jennifer Banko (who played Lar’s character as a little girl in Part VII). They are talking about a play they want to put together as well as the killer.

Naturally, Jennifer gets a creepy pic sent to her after Kane is gone. She calls Kane and tells them that the cops can’t trace the killer because he uses burner phones. But Kane tells her he’s nearby and will be at her place ASAP. The killer enters Jennifer’s home and sees her on her bed. Kane shows up and they duke it out. But even Jason proves no match for this guy as Kane gets stabbed before Jennifer gets a rope around her neck with the killer hanging her. Kane helps her get the noose off her neck but is weakened by his wounds. The police arrive as Kane quietly dies. I guess the killer decided to take a coffee break. At Dee’s place, her husband Ron Sloan (Junior in Part V) is kept in the dark when Dee freaks out after noticing pieces of her own hair in her bathroom sink after she wakes up. That’s when she gets a text from Tracie about doing lunch soon. Judie calls Dee as well to tell her that Vincente Disanti, the producer of Lar’s next film, whom Judie is sleeping with, wants to see her for it now. While filming in New Mexico, Mike flirts with Kelsie by saying how he can’t wait for her to film an upcoming shower scene. Mike is also disheartened when Chris shows up. Kelsie also sees another pic of Deborah in the makeup room, while Mike’s reputation for hitting on crewmembers includes both men and women. But the pic is occupying Kelsie’s thoughts. Vincente visits the set to chat with Kelsie. But she quickly gets pissed at how he’s exploiting the deaths of both her grandma and Lar. She goes film her scheduled fight scene, only to have the lady she’s fighting opposite of die as the knife Kelsie is handed to use turns out not to be fake. The killer sees her freaking out to Chris from his hideout. Dee flashbacks to when Deborah asked her to look after Kelsie if the worst occurred and subsequently comforting young Kelsie. Ron tries to tell his wife that she needs to move on, but Dee berates herself for not listening to Deborah sooner. But she smiles when her grandkids are dropped off to spend the weekend with them. As Ron takes care of the kids, the killer takes pics of everything while hidden again. That night, Dee tells Ron that there’s someone outside. Ron puts the kids to bed before trying to calm his wife down. At her place, Kelsie wakes up and goes online to learn that another Friday actress has been murdered. More texts to the killer prompt her to try to get the cops to go to Dee’s house. Dee calms her granddaughter down when she wakes up from a bad dream. Kelsie calls and tells Dee to lock her place up and that she’s coming her way. The power goes out and Dee quickly gathers her grandkids, putting them in a spot behind one of her bookshelves. Ron goes nuts as Dee arms herself with a gun, even pointing it at him when he tries to get the grandkids out. Pissed off, Ron gets a drink while Dee keeps her guard up. She fires off a shot that harmlessly goes nowhere as Kelsie arrives.

Dee and Ron get pissed at each other when their son comes back to get their kids. The next morning, a package arrives for Dee, which turns out to be roses and a request of an autograph. But she calls the cops when she finds pics the killer has taken. The cops suggest she keep the doors locked and they’ll send a car to drive by. Chris comes by and chats with Dee and Kelsie over wine. Dee reluctantly agrees to sign Chris’s mask, which looks like the killer’s. Later that night, Dee sees footage of Deborah’s murder, and finds Ron dead in her bed. She and Kelsie are horrified, but upon viewing the footage with the cops, see Dee nearby, even though she wasn’t present when Deborah was killed. Kelsie is stunned as the distraught Dee is taken away. After giving it more thought, Kelsie looks at the footage and determines that Dee’s face was digitally inserted in an attempt to frame her. Going to the cops, she also sees what looks like someone’s forearm in the footage. She also finds Mike, who the cops caught near Dee’s house. Thankfully, this convinces the cops to release Dee. Judie joins Dee and Kelsie as a service for Ron is taking place at Dee’s house. Dee invites Judie to stay with her. Kelsie is convinced Mike will be charged, while Dee asks everyone to gather Ron’s things and put them in the attic. She also gets another text from Tracie about joining her for dinner. The next night, the cops tell them that Mike was released because there was no evidence linking him but cops will be stopping by. In the woods, the killer quickly dispatches one cop before taunting Dee and Kelsie, telling them Tracie is dead. Another cop is killed before Kelsie takes on the killer herself. Kelsie is knocked out and is almost killed before another C.J. saves her. It’s at this point that, the killer unmasks, revealing himself to be Vincente. They duke it out with C.J. biting Vincente’s ear at one point, but Vincente ends up stabbing hi before Judie shoots him dead. A week later, with C.J. recovering, Dee and Kelsie bid each other farewell. But it turns there’s another wrinkle as Judie drugs Dee with wine while showing her a footage of Tracie’s murder. While the show is going on, Judie gets pissed at Dee because she and Kelsie get more people at conventions that she does (damn, and we thought Kevin Sorbo was pissed at Lucy Lawless for the same reason!). But Kelsie puts two and two together as she’s driving away, deducing that it was Judie’s forearm in that footage. As Judie goes over the ways she can now kill Dee, Kelsie arrives and begins stabbing the shit out of Judie (who, I guess, got rid of Vincente because he was lousy in bed). Deborah clearly wrote and directed this film out of love for the franchise and its fans. The cast is a big reason it’s worth watching. While Dee didn’t appear in any of the Friday films, she was a great choice for one of the film’s central characters and her scenes with Hayley Greenbauer are enjoyable. I was surprised that Feldman didn’t play himself as well, given his memorable appearances in the franchise, but he’s appropriately annoying. Also, unlike the Scream films, this film is a homage (complete with police who aren’t there when you need them) that never overdoes the humor. I’d say this is a better slasher pic than the recent Halloween Kills.

Halloween Kills (2021)

The latest entry in the Halloween saga.

Perhaps no film series has retconned itself as much as the Halloween series. Heck, three of the entries in the series are simply titled Halloween: the 1978 original from John Carpenter that started it all, the 2007 redo by Rob Zombie, and the 2018 version which was made to coincide with the original’s 40th anniversary. Along with the series’s killer Michael Myers, the most prominent figures in the series are Jamie Lee Curtis’s Laurie Strode and Donald Pleasance’s Dr. Sam Loomis. Both of them appeared in the first two films of the series, while neither appeared in the anthology entry Halloween III: Season of the Witch. When the original film turned 10, the series was reborn with Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Pleasance returned as Loomis, but Curtis was, by this point, making her mark in blockbusters like A Fish Called Wanda and True Lies. This is why the fourth film and the following two sequels focus on Laurie’s daughter Jamie, played by Danielle Harris in parts 4 and 5 (The Revenge of Michael Myers), and by J.C. Brandy in part 6 (The Curse of Michael Myers). Alas, that sixth entry proved less than popular with horror fans (and is even more of a letdown when you consider it was Pleasance’s final film), and the series seemed to be at an end. That is, of course, until the first film turned 20, and Curtis agreed to return to play Laurie in Halloween H20. That film, which was dedicated to Pleasance, was the first retcon of the series: it ignored all but the first two entries (à la Superman Returns) and erased Laurie’s daughter, replacing her with a son named John played by Josh Hartnett. The success of H20 was followed by the less-than-stellar Halloween: Resurrection in 2002. Rob Zombie’s reboot came five years later, and cleverly cast Danielle Harris as Laurie’s best friend Annie. I must confess, the only Zombie film I’ve enjoyed is his first House of 1,000 Corpses. Basically, all of his others simply go through the horror movie motions without being fun to watch as well. This applies to his 2007 entry in the Halloween series, which actually has more in common with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than Halloween. But it was successful enough to allow him to direct a follow up, 2009’s Halloween II, which proceeded to get its ass kicked by Final Destination 4 in 3-D at the box office. Still, I wasn’t really surprised when the original turned 40 and another Halloween came out. This one saw Curtis return and with Carpenter as a producer, and it went even further than H20 by erasing 1981’s Halloween II from its narrative as well. Which means that the Star Wars-esque aspect of Laurie’s relationship with Michael that became a defining trait of the series (for good and for bad) was now gone. Here, Laurie has a daughter again, but this one is named Karen, played by Judy Greer. Laurie is also a grandmother as well to Allyson, played by Andi Matichak. This entry became the highest grossing in the series and naturally led to the current entry, Halloween Kills, which saw its release delayed for a year due to the pandemic. Like the original Halloween II, this movie picks up at the end of the previous entry. The three Strode women are being taken to a hospital after they trap Michael in Laurie’s burning home.

At the same time, Cameron, who broke up with Allyson in the last film by cheating on her, comes across the body of Deputy Hawkins, who was wounded and left for dead in the previous film. We then see a flashback of how Michael was captured after the ending of the original film. Hawkins was one of the cops who cornered Michael in his old house, but before Michael is surrounded by Dr. Loomis and the police, Hawkins fatally shoots his partner while Michael has him at knife point. After the title sequence, we’re back in the present at a local bar, where we learn that a few alumni of the original film—Loomis’s colleague Marion Chambers, Cameron’s father Lonnie, and the kids Laurie used to babysit, Lindsey (Kyle Richards) and Tommy (Anthony Michael-Hall)—are toasting Laurie. Firemen arrive at Laurie’s home and surprise, surprise, soon find Michael in the burning building. He proceeds to rip them all to pieces with their firefighting gear before making his way over to Laurie’s neighbors, where he kills them and obtains a knife.

Michael’s escape quickly makes the news, and one of the bar’s patrons is spooked when she believes Michael is in her car. Tommy, Lindsey, and Marion lead everyone else to the parking lot, only for the car to drive off and quickly crash. The driver is nowhere to be found, but this prompts Tommy to form a mob to hunt him down, while Lonnie goes to get Cameron.

At the hospital, Karen and Allyson learn that Michael is still alive. This leads to Allyson going to Cameron and his dad to hunt down Michael, which is championed by Sheriff Brackett, who still wishes he had killed Michael for murdering his daughter Annie in the original. We then learn that Michael’s home is now owned by a couple who go by Big John (Scott MacArthur) and Little John (Michael McDonald). They manage to scare off a trio of annoying kids before Michael forcefully takes his home back from them. As Laurie and Hawkins recover, Lindsey and Marion, along with Vanessa and Marcus, the couple who lost their car, find those kids at a playground. The kids say they aren’t scared, but quickly dart off when they realize that Michael has killed their friend. Michael quickly dispatches Marion, Vanessa, and Marcus, although Lindsey manages to hide. Allyson, Tommy, Cameron, and Lonnie find the bodies and recover Lindsey. While she recovers at the hospital, Tommy’s mob arrives and becomes more angered and panicky. So much so that they mistake Lance, another inmate from Michael’s sanitarium, who also managed to escape in the previous film, for Michael. Laurie and Karen deduce that this isn’t Michael, but that doesn’t stop Tommy and most everyone else in the hospital from chasing poor Lance through the corridors.

Laurie is injured in the ruckus, but Karen manages to protect Lance from the mob by locking him in a hallway. Alas, all this leads to is Lance throwing himself out of a window while the mob smashes through the doors. Karen agrees to hunt down Michael with Tommy, and they deduce that he’ll return to his home after he kills, just as he did in 1978. But Allyson, Lonnie, and Cameron arrive there first, with Lonnie telling them to stay put while berating himself for involving them in this hunt. A few moments later, gunshots are heard, which prompt Allyson and Cameron to follow his dad inside. They soon find the bodies of Cameron, Big John, and Little John. Michael quickly pops up and breaks Allyson’s leg as she falls down the staircase, and breaks Cameron’s neck. Allyson dares Michael to kill her before her mom rescues her by shoving a pitchfork into Michael’s back. Karen snatches his mask and leads Michael into an ambush headed by Tommy and Brackett. After retrieving his mask, Michael gets his ass kicked by the mob, culminating with Karen thrusting Michael’s own knife into his back.

But as she returns to comfort Allyson, Michael revives and picks off the mob, including Tommy and Brackett. The film ends with Laurie pondering how Michael represents evil while Karen wanders into Michael’s old bedroom—only to be stabbed to death by him. Like the previous entry, this film certainly has some nice nods that fans will appreciate. I especially liked the Halloween masks that resembled the ones in the aforementioned Season of the Witch. Kudos also should go to the makeup job on Tom Jones Jr., to make him look like Pleasance in the flashbacks, which is as nice a tribute to him as Rouge One was to Peter Cushing’s Tarkin.

But the film is weakened by its focus on the lynch mob, with its constant chanting of “Evil dies tonight.” The sequence with the mob hunting down Lance doesn’t really add anything. I also didn’t like how Karen was dispatched at the last minute. It would’ve been much more moving if she sacrificed herself for her mom and/or her daughter. Still, there’s a nice atmosphere to the movie, and I appreciate that it explains just how Michael was taken back into custody after the end of the original film, whereas the previous movie just left that unexplained. The scenes between the three Strode women are also nicely done. Overall, the film is much like its immediate predecessor. It’s pretty routine with some nice moments. It’s those moments that will make me want to see the next film, Halloween Ends, which is due out next year.

Visiting Hours (1982)

This is a film that's grown on me over the years.

It’s not surprising that there are countless film trailers that prove to be more exciting than the movies they’re advertising. The same can be said for movie posters. Visiting Hours is a case in point, as its cool poster of hospital lights forming a skull is one of two things that, for me, made this stand out from the other slasher films that were made during the ’80s. The other aspect making it stand out is that none other than William Shatner appears in it, just before he made Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. This film begins with news anchor Deborah Ballin (Lee Grant) interviewing a lawyer about a recent case he won, in which he convinced a jury that an abused housewife did not kill her husband out of self-defense as she claims. But Deborah proceeds to rip her guest a new one, giving a strong argument that said housewife was indeed protecting herself. Deborah adds that the lady in question has a new lawyer and is prepared to open the case again, with Deborah’s support.

Her arguments are cheered by her colleagues backstage, although her boss Gary Baylor (Shatner) is flabbergasted, telling Deborah that she must remain neutral when discussing such topics on the air.

One of the studio’s maintenance workers, Colt Hawker (Michael Ironside), is also backstage in a separate room hearing Deborah’s on-air takedown. He shows he’s downright pissed off by squeezing a stress ball before yanking the cord out of a TV set that he was watching. Gary’s put-downs cause Deborah to be pissed off herself as she heads back to her house. She sees that her home is in some disarray, and thinks it’s because of her recent houseguest. But Deborah soon finds the real cause when Colt pops out of nowhere wearing her jewelry. Hey, if you’re going to assault someone, you might as well look flashy, right? He slashes her with his huge switchblade, but she manages to briefly hide in her bedroom and yells out of the window for help from a couple next door. She then heads for her dumbwaiter, which she uses to lower herself to her home’s ground floor. But Colt makes that trip faster by using his blade to cut the cords on the thing. Deborah hits the ground and slowly moves again, until she sees her neighbor entering. I guess Colt just bolted without us knowing, because we next see Deborah being admitted to County General Hospital. The nurse assigned to her, Sheila Munroe (Linda Purl), makes her comfortable, while Gary delivers flowers. Colt enters the hospital pretending to be a florist and gets access to the floor Deborah is recuperating on. As he stalks his way to her room, he overhears Sheila badmouthing him over the phone. He gets into one of the rooms and uses his switchblade to cut the oxygen tube of a patient, thinking it’s Deborah. Alas, it turns out to be another woman. For some reason though, Colt decides that this is the time to take pictures of the poor lady as she’s gasping for air. She manages to press her help button, summoning Sheila and one of her colleagues. Sheila goes to another patient requesting help, while her co-worker goes into the dying victim’s room and is quickly killed by Colt. Shelia enters shortly afterward and finds both bodies. Startled, she sees Colt leaving and calls for him to help. But the elevator he’s now in closes its doors before she can get too close to him and his switchblade. After explaining everything to the police, Sheila goes home, preoccupied with what’s happened. Colt clandestinely follows her to her home, where she kisses her two sleeping children before getting into her sleepwear. Her babysitter/friend Denise asks if everything’s okay, and Sheila tells her no. I’m assuming Denise is also Sheila’s girlfriend, since she plops into bed next to Sheila wearing only a towel.

Colt later returns to his apartment. Not long after, he picks up a girl named Lisa at a restaurant. At his place, she notes the hate letters he has posted on his walls, which are targeted at women and minorities. This soon leads to Colt brutalizing her.

After Deborah gives the press an update on her recovery, she becomes alarmed when she learns of the two people Colt has killed. Both Sheila and Gary try to reassure her that there’s nothing to worry about, but Deborah is convinced that Colt is going to keep coming after her. Her fear only increases when they learn that Colt killed another patient and a police officer before he bolted again. However, she needs surgery in order to conduct an upcoming interview, so Sheila sedates her. We next see Colt keeping his father company at a nursing home. It’s here that we learn that his hatred of women comes from his abused mother throwing hot water in his dad’s face when Colt was a kid. He continues to stalk Sheila, even taking pictures of her, as she goes to her second job at a nearby clinic. As luck would have it, she meets Lisa there, who tells her the story behind her recent injuries. They shoot the breeze, with Sheila telling her that she also works at the hospital. Colt later returns to his place to find it ransacked. There are also lewd messages on his walls written in what looks like blood. But what really draws his attention is that the pics he took of Sheila and his hospital victim have been removed from the collage of pics on his closet wall. The collage now resembles the skull used in the ads. At the hospital, Gary keeps reassuring Deborah with increased security. Sheila is surprised to see Lisa in the lobby. The latter says that she and her friends ransacked Colt’s place (which apparently involved mutilating themselves with the blood there?) and Lisa produces the pics she took. But before Sheila can take them to the cops, she gets a phone call. All she hears on the other end are the noises her daughter’s doll makes. Frantically, she tells Lisa to give Gary the pics, and getting no help from the cops, heads off to her place. After arriving, Sheila quietly enters and arms herself with one of her kitchen knives. Reaching her living room, she sees one of her little girl’s dolls is sitting decapitated on the sofa. She makes her way upstairs and quietly tells Denise to wake her daughter Bridget and sit tight. Sheila goes back downstairs and calls Deborah. But before she can talk, Colt stabs her in the gut from beneath a table. He places the receiver next to her and snaps away while she moans in pain. Before departing, Colt takes her knife and places it in front of Denise and Bridget as they stand at the top of the staircase. I guess the guy has a soft spot for kids. Sheila’s cries send the police and Gary, along with the photos, to her place. Colt, meanwhile, returns to his place and downs some pills with beer. He then smashes the bottle on his arm, leaving a nice, bloody mess. As both Sheila and Colt are admitted to the hospital, Gary and the cops are at Colt’s place. As they look over his pics, Colt’s landlady informs them that he was injured and sent to the hospital. As Sheila is prepped for surgery, Colt gets bandaged up and soon after starts his prowling. He finds and begins to chase Deborah after killing the policeman guarding her hospital room door. At one point, he manages to grope her before she tosses alcohol in his face. During their chase, he loses his switchblade while he tries to get in an elevator. Soon, Deborah finds herself in a room where Sheila is waiting to be wheeled away for her surgery. Deborah calls Colt to her location before managing to stick his switchblade into his gut. Being this is a slasher film, Colt grabs her foot as she walks away but dies before he can do anything else.

Lee Grant would go on to say she was less than satisfied with Visiting Hours. This is understandable, as some could interpret the movie as misogynist. I will say, though, that the Deborah/Sheila scenes are pleasant. While Colt comes across as an idiot in some scenes (why would he take the time to kill random people and risk capture if killing Deborah is his sole objective?), the film manages to have unsettling moments. I also must give the film credit for having Lisa, one of Colt’s victims, produce the evidence that incriminates him, as well as Deborah herself being the one who takes the villain down in the climax. Visiting Hours is certainly flawed. Shatner is clearly just here for a paycheck (anyone expecting to see Kirk take down the heavy from Total Recall will be disappointed), and the finale isn’t as lively as the one in the previous year’s Halloween II, another slasher film that takes place mostly in a hospital. Despite all that, I can’t help but give the film points for its good intentions.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

I didn't much care for this one.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a film that for many defines the term “midnight movie”. Based on the 1973 stage musical of the (almost) same name, this parody of science fiction and horror initially had a lackluster release, but quickly became a cult favorite by playing at movie theaters at midnight for basically forever. Co-written by one of its stars, Richard O’Brien, the film begins with its title sequence showing a pair of lips singing, or lip-syncing, to the song being played. Afterward, we meet our narrator, an unnamed criminologist (Charles Gray), who begins to tell us about recently engaged couple Brad Majors (Barry Bostwick) and Janet Weiss (Susan Sarandon), who celebrate their engagement to the song “Dammit, Janet”.

One night, the lovebirds are driving in the pouring rain when they get a flat tire. They find they’re near a castle and decide to walk there to ask for help. They’re greeted by Riff Raff (co-writer O’Brien), who invites them in and says this is a special night, because his master has a gathering planned. Brad and Janet become understandably spooked as Riff Raff and his sister Magenta (Patricia Quinn) break into the song “Time Warp”. The castle’s other guests follow suit, while in cutaways, the criminologist teaches us how the dance to this song. All of this causes Janet to faint.

Brad and Janet attempt to slip out quietly, but are startled by the arrival of the castle’s owner, Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Tim Curry). After he sings “Sweet Transvetite”, the doctor unveils his new Frankenstein’s Monster-like creation: a guy named Rocky (Peter Hinwood). The festivities are interrupted by a delivery man named Eddie (Meat Loaf). He starts getting romantic with Frank’s servant Columbia (Nell Campbell), prompting Frank to kill him in a fit of jealously.

As Frank and Rocky presumably make out in their suite, Brad and Janet are shoved into separate bedrooms. Soon, Janet is visited by Brad, only to discover it’s Frank in disguise. But despite her despair, Janet agrees to have sex with Frank. He later does the same thing with Brad while disguised as Janet, but don’t ask me how Brad can be fooled by this. At the same time, Riff Raff and Magenta are indulging in a bit of incest as they torment Rocky. He manages to escape and prowls outside the castle. Janet shows how hypocritical she is when she’s wandering around the castle and cries when she sees a video monitor depicting Brad in bed with Frank. But she soon smiles again when she finds Rocky hidden in the lab. While singing “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-me”, Janet proceeds to sleep with him, while Magenta and Columbia laugh their asses off watching them. While Frank whips Riff Raff’s ass for letting Rocky escape, they learn that Dr. Scott (Jonathan Adams) has arrived at the castle. Frank then turns on Brad when the latter reveals that Scott is a former teacher of his and Janet’s. The wheelchair-bound Scott is brought down to join them at the lab, and he and Brad deny they have any schemes against Frank. Rather, Scott announces that he’s looking for his nephew Eddie. But Frank has another reason to be pissed when he finds Rocky and Janet sleeping together in the tank Rocky was born in.

Magenta announces dinner, and the unpleasant atmosphere is heightened when they learn that their meal is the remains of Eddie. Janet freaks out and runs into Rocky’s arms, causing Frank to torment her. Brad, Scott, and Columbia try to stop him before Frank uses one of his gadgets to turn them all into nude statues. He shares some further unpleasant words with Riff Raff and Magenta before everyone is moved to a stage floor in an empty auditorium. With the statue-fied principals dressed in cabaret costumes, Frank unfreezes them and they break out into another song and dance, with Frank center stage in front of the RKO Radio Pictures logo.

But the performance is interrupted by Riff Raff and Magenta, who voice their disgust at Frank for killing Eddie. They also reveal their desire to head back to their home planet of Transsexual. Frank sings “I’m Going Home” before Riff Raff says that Frank will be killed for his acts. To that end, he produces a laser gun which he quickly uses to kill the protesting Columbia before shooting Frank with it. An anguished Rocky takes Frank’s body and climbs on the RKO tower before Riff Raff manages to kill him with the ray gun as well.

Magenta and Riff Raff spare the lives of Janet, Brad, and Scott by encouraging them to leave the castle quickly. They do so just before the castle blasts off into space. The film ends with the trio on the hole that the castle has left behind, as the criminologist returns. Criminologist: And crawling on this planet’s face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space… and meaning. I somehow doubt Brad and Janet’s pending nuptials are going to be going smoothly now. To say this film is eyebrow raising would be an understatement. I must admit that I only saw this film once it became available on home video, but I have seen footage of the midnight screenings in which audience members reenact the film while it’s playing, and shoutinv at the screen at certain points. For instance, in the scene where Riff Raff and Magenta kill Frank: Riff Raff: Say goodbye to all of this… Audience: Goodbye to all of this! Riff Raff: …and hello to oblivion! Audience: Hello, Oblivion. How’s the wife and kids? The songs are catchy, with “Time Warp” being a favorite of mine. It’s also quite nice that the three main stars of the film would go on to have fine careers. Having said all that, I never thought the film was exactly funny, per se. There may be the occasional chuckle, such as a glimpse of Curry without his Frank makeup at the beginning of the film, but it never cracked me up as much as Clue, another film starring Curry that takes place on a dark and stormy night in a big house and has gone on to become a beloved midnight movie. Also, while there are certainly sex scenes, I can’t say that I found the movie particularly sexy. We may chuckle at the thought of Frank as a Dr. Frankenstein who proceeds to bone his creation just as it comes out of the box, but both Janet and Brad come across as annoying with their dim-wittedness. But the nods to previous horror and science fiction are certainly present. Fittingly, the film was shot at Bray Studios in England, where many of the classic Hammer movies where filmed, and some of the same props were used. Even the film’s poster with the lips from the title sequence has the tagline “A different set of jaws,” referencing how the Spielberg film of the same name was released just a few months earlier. Rocky Horror would actually get a sequel of sorts with Shock Treatment, released three years later. While that film was also written by O’Brien and had the same director, Jim Sharman, it wasn’t embraced like the previous film. The fact that Curry, Sarandon, and Bostwick weren’t in it probably contributed to that. As with Starship Troopers, I can certainly see why this film has such a big following. I’m just not among it.

Robocop 2 (1990)

A look at one of the worst sequels ever made!

Disappointing sequels to classic movies are certainly nothing new. Often, the knock against sequels is that they simply redo their predecessors without offering anything dramatically different. In the case of RoboCop 2, however, its crime isn’t that it simply goes through the motions. The original RoboCop was certainly gritty and violent, but it also had wit and was exciting to watch. RoboCop 2, on the other hand, simply amped up the violence quotient while (deliberately or not) tossing away the qualities that made the original so enjoyable. The film begins presumably not long after the end of the first film, with the Detroit Police Department still on strike and the city on the verge of bankruptcy. But RoboCop (Peter Weller) and his partner Anne Lewis (Nancy Allen) are still patrolling Detroit’s streets. They come upon a plant manufacturing a new drug called Nuke. The leader of this drug ring is Cain (Tom Noonan) and his annoying kid sidekick Hob (Gabriel Damon).

Both of them escape, with Hob proving how irritating he is by bragging that RoboCop can’t even kill a kid. Not long after, we see RoboCop has made it a habit of driving by the home he shared with his wife and son in his pre-Robo form as Alex Murphy. This understandably leads Mrs. Murphy to sue the company that turned her hubby into RoboCop, Omni Consumer Products, for harassment. Eventually, she confronts RoboCop, who flat out tells her that he’s simply something that was built to honor Murphy. OCP continues to show its cold-heartedness as its head (Dan O’Herlihy), still known as the Old Man, plans to improve on RoboCop by creating “RoboCop 2”. This is championed by his right hand Donald Johnson (Felton Perry), who if you’ll remember got quite the nice promotion at the end of the first film when the Old Man helped RoboCop get rid of Jones.

But their efforts for RoboCop 2 keep running into snags, such as how any police officers picked for the project end up killing themselves afterward. However, Dr. Juliette Faxx(Belinda Bauer) notes that Murphy’s strong sense of morality was key to the success of the original RoboCop—which is starting to sound like a fitting metaphor for this movie. She’s granted permission to take charge of the project, which not surprisingly is already costing in the hundreds of millions of dollars. With the help of corrupt policeman Duffy, Cain manages to lure RoboCop to his hideout. But Hob proves what a brat he is when he’s able to take off RoboCop’s arm with a machine gun that apparently has super-armor piercing bullets. Another doohickey that Hob and Cain pull out of their asses neutralizes RoboCop by sending out a beam that grabs his chest. This allows their minions to take RoboCop apart and then dump the pieces in front of the precinct.

Of course, in the tradition of stupid movie villains, they don’t take RoboCop’s head apart, which is why we know that it won’t be long before he’s back online. Naturally, Cain kills Duffy afterward. Faxx slightly alters RoboCop’s programming so OCP will end up giving her more leeway on the RoboCop 2 project. Eventually, RoboCop clears his mind of all that bullshit by shocking himself with a tranformer outside, which reboots his system and restores him to his normal self. With the help of Lewis and his sergeant Reed, RoboCop and the striking officers find Cain’s new hideout. This time, they manage to capture Cain, wounding him, although they sadly don’t kill Hob, who escapes again. As Hob takes over Cain’s empire (oh, Christ!), Faxx reveals how she plans to make RoboCop 2 succeed: by selecting Cain for the job. I must confess, I did get a kick out of how she lovingly caresses Cain’s head while he realizes he’s screwed. She disconnects his life support system and surgeons soon operate, removing his brain.

That brain is soon put into RoboCop 2, who’s quickly sent out for a test run. Hob contacts Detroit’s mayor for a meeting, demanding that Hob’s empire be allowed to have all the Nuke they want. RoboCop 2 bursts in and slaughters everyone at this meeting, except for the mayor. RoboCop arrives and finds a mortally wounded Hob. Damn, RoboCop 2 ripped Hob’s goons to pieces, but had to give that brat a quiet death by allowing him to tell RoboCop who killed them all before he croaks?

The Old Man and Johnson set up a presentation for RoboCop 2 and their plans for Delta City. Showing off a case of Nuke, the Old Man and his audience are startled when RoboCop 2 goes apeshit at the sight of the drug, which was his elixir before Faxx took his brain out. He starts killing everyone in the auditorium. RoboCop shows up and they begin a shootout, prompting the Old Man to shout, “Behave yourselves!” before the combatants take it out into the streets. Lewis distracts RoboCop 2 with the Nuke, giving RoboCop a chance to leap onto him, smash his head open, and yank Cain’s brain out. RoboCop quickly smashes the thing to pieces, killing him. To think, Cain would’ve saved himself a lot of trouble if he’d had the imagination to do the same thing to RoboCop.

As the city tries to recover, the Mayor tells the press that he plans to make OCP answer for all the chaos they caused. But the Old Man and Johnson clandestinely scheme to have Faxx take the fall for their fuckups. Lewis is pissed that the Old Man is getting away scot free, but RoboCop tells her to remain calm. RoboCop: We’re only human! Okay, I guess that’s meant to give us reassurance. Too bad it doesn’t make this movie any better. Weller would even state that the movie’s final act felt incomplete. One reason the original RoboCop was great was because its story was able to carry some dramatic weight to go along with RoboCop dispatching bad guys with his cool abilities. The fact that the villains of that film were the ones who took his family away from him gave it an emotional center. Said baddies were heartless, but Ronny Cox and Kurtwood Smith also made them engaging. There’s no such emotional center in RoboCop 2. Yes, RoboCop briefly reunites with his wife, but nothing happens to give audiences a reason to invest in the film like they did with the original. Weller and Allen do what they can, and the fact that we got to know their characters in the previous film allows us to root for them more than we may have otherwise, but Tom Noonan and Gabriel Damon don’t hold a candle to Cox and Smith, and are just so damn annoying too. Also, why do the Old Man and Johnson come across as heartless SOBs here? In the previous film, Johnson seemed like the kind you’d want to pal around with, which is why there’s a certain charm in the fact that RoboCop killing Jones gets him promoted. Likewise, the Old Man never struck me as the heartless corporate type, especially since that’s exactly the type O’Herlihy played in Halloween III: Season of the Witch. All this makes it somewhat sad that this film’s director is Irvin Kershner, who was lauded for directing character-driven dramas, but is probably most famous for The Empire Strikes Back. So strange that he went from that triumph to duds like this and Never Say Never Again. Like its title character, RoboCop 2 failed to achieve the success of its predecessor, although that didn’t stop us from getting another sequel, several TV series, and (yep!) a pointless remake. The original is still hailed as a classic science-fiction movie. Ironically, the most notable thing about the sequel is some claiming it predicted that the city of Detroit would file for bankruptcy, which it did in 2013.

A.I.-Artificial Intelligence (2001)

This article looks at Spielberg's film A.I., which turns 20 this year!

This year marks the 20th anniversary of Steven Spielberg’s first film of the 21st Century: A.I. Artificial Intelligence. His previous film, Saving Private Ryan, was originally planned to be followed up by Minority Report, but a number of factors contributed to Spielberg making A.I. next. The major factor being the 1999 death of Stanley Kubrick, who conceived the project and discussed it with Spielberg for years. Based upon the Brian Aldiss story “Supertoys Last All Summer Long” (with Kubrick taking inspiration from Spielberg’s E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial for the film’s title), they both worked on the project while making other movies. Upon seeing the deserved Oscar-winning special effects for Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, Kubrick’s focus on A.I. was renewed, as he thought that FX technology could do the story justice by that time. Kubrick’s passing prompted Spielberg to take the project to completion himself, even inspiring him to write the screenplay himself to ensure Kubrick’s ideas wouldn’t be lost (the only other films Spielberg is credited with writing are Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Poltergeist). Spielberg also felt that having A.I. released in the year 2001 would be a great way to honor Kubrick, to whom the film is dedicated. In the distant future, a narrator (Sir Ben Kingsley) informs us that the ice caps have melted, resulting in the loss of numerous lives as well as cities. As a result, any parents wishing to have children must obtain a license before attempting pregnancy. At a university, Professor Allen Hobby (William Hurt) lectures a class on his idea for creating an android, or “Mecha” as society labels them, that can actually love. Hobby says that this could be a way to appease families that are waiting for a license. He even demonstrates how such an achievement will exceed even the most advanced Mechas that have already been created, going so far as to “experiment” on a female Mecha in his audience.

Another audience member asks if any parent that such a Mecha would love would be obligated to return that love. Hobby replies: Hobby: In the beginning, didn’t God create Adam to love Him? A year and a half later, Henry and Monica Swinton (Sam Robards and Frances O’Connor) go to a medical facility to visit their son Martin (Jake Thomas), who’s in suspended animation because of the disease he carries. Henry works for a company of Hobby’s, which is what leads the professor to pick the Swintons to be the test subjects for his new Mecha, named David (Haley Joel Osment). Monica is initially horrified at the prospect of an android in the place of their own son, but agrees with Henry to go along with this idea. David is physically smiling upon arriving at his new home, and proceeds to make the Swintons uncomfortable by startling them with laughter while they have dinner, and later taking Monica’s idea of hide and seek too far when he startles her as she uses the bathroom. However, Monica slowly becomes more open to David, and one afternoon, sits alone in a room with him and activates his imprinting protocol. This instantly causes David to express love for her, even calling her Mommy. By this point, Monica and Henry’s roles regarding David have reversed, with the former regarding David as a gift, while the latter is indifferent almost to the point of irritation. This is illustrated when Monica delays the dinner date she and her husband are late for in order to give David a toy that used to belong to Martin: Teddy (Jack Angel), which is essentially Teddy Ruxpin 2.0.

But everyone gets an unexpected surprise when Martin returns home cured. He initially seems to bond with David, but soon becomes jealous of him and prompts him to do such things as scaring Monica by cutting her hair in the middle of the night, as well as eating food (despite Teddy’s warning) which leads to David temporarily breaking down.

Martin later has his friends over, and their ganging up on David accidentally leads to him and Martin going into the family pool, nearly drowning Martin. It’s this incident which leads to Henry wanting to return David to Hobby to be destroyed. Monica tearfully agrees to do so, but en route, she finds she can’t, and abandons a tearful David with Teddy, telling him where to go to avoid being destroyed. Elsewhere, a prostitute Mecha named Gigolo Joe (Jude Law) is about to entertain his new client, but finds her dead and realizes that he’s about to take the fall for her death. He runs off, removing his identification tag. He runs into the nearby woods, where David tells Teddy that they can return to Monica if they find the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio (a story Monica read to him often), who can make him a real boy. Soon, other Mechas are converging on their location after a truck dumps Mecha parts which they use to replace parts of themselves.

But a menacing hot air balloon in the shape of the full moon soon startles them all and they run off. The operator of the balloon (Brendan Gleeson) announces that they’re here to collect rouge Mechas, and they dispatch motorcycles that somewhat resemble the light cycles from Tron to round them up. This includes David and Joe, although the collectors are startled that a newer model such as the latter is in the area. Teddy is separated from David, prompting him to go chase the balloon to the monster truck-esque Flesh Fair (that little bear must have damn good batteries to go so far by himself). While David and Joe take a look at the other Mechas that are about to be executed, Teddy ends up in the hands of a little girl, who’s surprised to see David and Teddy converse. This leads to her going to her dad, who’s one of the operators of the Fair. He takes a look at David and realizes that he’s just too unique to be trashed. But the balloon man wants to do it anyway, and basically takes David, who drags Joe along.

But before they’re terminated, David’s pleas for mercy prompt the audience to think he’s a real boy and throw things at the balloon man in protest. The chaos allows the girl’s dad to set David, Teddy, and Joe free. In his office, Hobby is delighted upon learning that David is alive and sets out to find him. It’s also here that we learn that David was modeled after Hobby’s late son. Now on the run, David informs Joe that he’s looking for the Blue Fairy. Joe suggests they go to the Las Vegas-esque Rouge City, where a certain Dr. Know can help them find her. After hitching a ride, the trio go to a building. A kiosk inside introduces them to a hologram named Dr. Know (voiced by Robin Williams), who informs him that the answers he seeks are in Manhattan, which is one of the cities that’s now flooded.

Joe is apprehensive about making such a journey, and even suggests to David that perhaps the Blue Fairy is merely a way humanity keeps Mechas in check. But David vehemently argues against that due to his love for Monica, and is prepared to go ahead without Joe. That’s when authorities arrive to take Joe away. Fortunately, they leave their flying police cruiser unattended, allowing David and Teddy to “borrow” it and save Joe, who instructs the cruiser on how to take them to Manhattan.

They arrive and make their way to Hobby’s office. David enters first and is startled to find a duplicate of himself reading. He answers the duplicate’s friendly overtures by saying Monica loves only him, and in a jealous rage, smashes the poor thing to pieces with a lamppost. Joe and Teddy understandably get the hell out of there before David’s rage is stopped by Hobby. The professor says that Monica told him that she put the idea of the Blue Fairy in David’s head, and as a result, asked Dr. Know to divert him to this location. Taking him to another office, Hobby proceeds to praise David as a breakthrough in Mecha technology because of how David’s own love led him to this point. However, David becomes saddened that a technological marvel is all he’s being viewed as now. This stance isn’t helped when Hobby goes off to gloat to his colleagues, and David walks around and sees Mechas like him being made ready for shipping. Sitting on the window edge of Hobby’s office, David becomes so downtrodden that he decides to throw himself into the water below. And I have to say, Hobby must have had a lot of gloating to do, given how long he’s gone. But Joe is nearby to witness this and uses the cruiser to go to the spot where David landed and pulls him out of the water. David excitedly tells him that during his brief time underwater, he saw what must be the Blue Fairy. Unfortunately, this is when the police catch up with Joe. But just before he’s taken, he sets the cruiser to allow David and Teddy to reach the Blue Fairy and then wishes David farewell. David drives the cruiser to the right spot, which turns out to be the underwater remains of Coney Island. He parks right in front of a statue of the Blue Fairy just before the ferris wheel collapses onto the cruiser, trapping him and Teddy. David begins to plead repeatedly to the Blue Fairy statue to make him a real boy. We then flash forward 2,000 years later. Earth is now a frozen wasteland and humanity is extinct. The only signs of life are more advanced Mechas. They stumble upon the now frozen David and Teddy and slowly revive them by shattering their icy prison. Upon awakening, David goes toward the Blue Fairy only for the statue to shatter. The Mechas probe David’s memories and one of them (voiced by Ben Kingsley) says that they’re unable to make him a real boy, but another (Meryl Streep), in the form of the Blue Fairy, is able to temporarily recreate Monica thanks to some of her hair that Teddy kept.

This allows David and Monica to spend one last happy day together, before the movie ends with them both drifting off to sleep.

A.I. has both a similar title to E.T. and also has a child as its protagonist. But unlike E.T., I wouldn’t recommend A.I. as viewing for the whole family—though I suppose the same can be said for Spielberg’s Empire of the Sun, which also has a child as its protagonist. This is because the drama surrounding David is intense and downbeat. Hence, I’m not surprised that audiences were perplexed by this film upon its release. The complaint that was most prominent was the ending, which some felt was too happy and was added by Spielberg. But it’s been proven that Kubrick was the one who devised this ending. And this ending is actually not happy at all when you realize that humanity goes extinct—and I certainly didn’t begin watching A.I. expecting that! But as a drama, I found A.I. has much to make me recommend it. This is mainly due to the performances of both Osment and Law. Osment is every bit as great here as he was in The Sixth Sense, and Entertainment Weekly said it perfectly when they called Law’s Joe a cross between the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz and Malcolm McDowell in Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange. Hurt also stands out as a scientist who’s essentially a Dr. Frankenstein who doesn’t abandon his creation. But the film turns that aspect on its ear because it isn’t his devotion that David wants, but rather Monica’s. In other words, Hobby’s delight at what he’s accomplished ends up blinding him to the fact that David did his job too well. Much like Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Shining, A.I. also poses some intriguing questions. For instance, Hobby says that Monica filled him in on what happened when she tried to take David back. Did Henry and Martin leave her after that? That would add more nuance to the day she and David later spend together. Also, does the film end with David dying alongside Monica? If so, Teddy is possibly the advanced Mechas’ only link to how life was when humanity was dominant. The tone Spielberg achieves here was definitely felt in his next film, the aforementioned Minority Report, as well as later films of his such as Munich. Like 2001, A.I. has some moments that will test the patience of some viewers, but overall, I feel Kubrick would’ve been proud of it.

The Goonies (1985)

With the passing of director Richard Donner, I thought I'd take a look at one of his best films.

With the recent passing of director Richard Donner, I decided to take a look at a classic film of his, The Goonies. The film, produced by Steven Spielberg, begins with a prison breakout. Specifically, a counterfeiter named Jake Fratelli (Robert Davi), who manages to escape the pen with help from his mom (Anne Ramsey) and his brother Francis (Joe Pantoliano). It’s during the ensuing police chase that we meet the kids who comprise the title team: Mouth (Corey Feldman), Andy (Kerri Green), Stef (Martha Plimpton), Data, (Jonathan Ke Huy Quan), Chunk (Jeff Cohen), Brand (Josh Brolin), and his younger brother Mikey (Sean Astin). But they’re all feeling a bit low because their Oregon haunt, the Goon Docks, are set to be foreclosed on the next day to accommodate the town’s country club. When obnoxious Mouth pays Mikey and Brand a visit, he pisses Brand off by reminding him that their last weekend together could be more fun had Brand not flunked his driver’s test. Mouth also forces Chunk to do the “truffle shuffle”, or wiggling his overweight belly, before letting him in. Chuck says that he witnessed the police chase earlier, but they call bullshit on this due to his tendency to make up bullshit stories.

After Data arrives using one of his wacky inventions, Mikey’s mom comes home with a lady named Rosalita, who’s agreed to help them pack up for their upcoming move. Because Rosalita doesn’t speak English, Mouth translates Mikey’s mom’s instructions, telling the poor woman that the house is full of drugs and sexual torture devices and that she’ll be locked up if she screws up. At the same time, Chuck proves he’s a klutz again by breaking an important piece of Mikey’s mom’s mini-replica of Michelangelo’s David. It doesn’t help that Chunk glues the piece back on upside down. After the two grown-ups leave to get supplies, Mikey’s friends ask why his mom told them they can’t go in the attic. He says it’s just stuff from his dad’s time as a museum curator. This leads to everyone going up to see if there’s any cool stuff. A thunderstorm begins, and our heroes find a doubloon and a map from a pirate named One-Eyed Willy. Mikey explains that his dad told him that Willy stole treasure from the British, who chased him to a cave not far from here. They sealed the place so Willy and his crew couldn’t escape, but Willy laid out booby traps to keep outsiders from the treasure before killing his own crew. One managed to escape, hence why the Goonies now have the map. They also find a newspaper article which states that a guy named Chester Copperpot disappeared while looking for that treasure. Mikey says that finding this treasure could allow them to keep their homes, although the others pooh-pooh this idea. It isn’t helped when the father of the town jerk Troy (Steve Antin) stops by to remind them that there are papers Mikey and Brand’s dad needs to sign by tomorrow. But Mikey manages to convince the others to go on this treasure hunt, so they tie Brand up and deflate his bike tires so they can dart off. Brand breaks free after his mom and Rosalita return, and prove to be no help. He ends up taking a little girl’s tricycle to go after the others. But his bad day continues when Troy drives up next to him, with Andy and Stef as his passengers. But the two girls get upset when Troy forces Brandon over a cliff with the tricycle (that little girl’s going to be pissed!). Mikey and the others find the spot on the coast specified on the map, and with Mouth translating the Spanish on the map, learn that the abandoned restaurant in the vicinity is the next point. Alas, they quickly realize that the Fratellis have already picked the spot as their hideout. They convince Mama and her boys that they’re merely customers, and she in turn gives them dirty water to drink. Chunk says that he’s seen their RV with bullet holes in it, but the others tell him to shut up. Mama grudgingly allows Mikey to use the bathroom, allowing him to see if there’s anything else down below that could lead to the treasure. He sneaks in and sees Jake tormenting his chained, deformed brother Sloth (John Matuszak).

Brand, Stef, and Andy catch up with them, with the latter saying she elbowed Troy’s lip. They start to head out, but then they hide and see the Fratellis drive off, presumably with bodies of feds. Going back inside, they hear Sloth’s groans, allowing Stef to give a hilarious line. Stef: Chunk, I hope that was your stomach!

After Mouth pisses Chunk off again with a crack about his weight, the latter’s anger causes him to break a water bottle, and the remaining water goes below the nearby fireplace. They also find a freezer loaded with ice cream, which naturally draws Chunk in like a magnet. But another corpse is found with the ice cream. Naturally, this is when the Fratellis return, and in their haste, the Goonies end up putting Chunk into the freezer with the corpse while they hide under the fireplace. Once the Fratellis leave again, Chunk comes out and the others tell him to call the police. He leaves through a window, and the others explore the cavern they just found. But Chunk doesn’t get very far, because the car he flags down is being driven by the Fratellis, who quickly abduct him. While the other Goonies keep moving, they come across a series a pipes which they use in a vain attempt to warm anyone at the nearby country club. Andy’s hyperventilating leads to the group finding the skeletal remains of Chester Copperpot. They also find a key on him along with some candles, unaware that they’re really marked TNT. Suddenly, they’re startled by a swarm of bats.

The Fratellis threaten Chunk with a blender if he doesn’t spill his guts. Intentionally or not, Chunk buys his pals time by rattling off all the bad stuff he’s ever done, amusing Jake. And fortunately, those same bats come up from the fireplace to buy Chunk himself some time. But the Fratellis let him live when they find the doubloon on him. They lock him up with Sloth before heading for the fireplace.

With the key they found, the Goonies discover a waterfall with coins in it. But they soon realize they’re at the bottom of a nearby wishing well, and wouldn’t you know it? Troy and two of his pals are at the top. Andy calls for them and they send a bucket down to bring everyone up. Mikey, though, reminds them that while this place is dangerous, it’s still their best chance of finding that treasure, and thus their best chance of not losing their homes. The others agree, with Andy telling Troy to piss off by sending only his jacket back up to him. While Chunk is initially scared, he convinces Sloth not to hurt him by sharing his Baby Ruth bar. Sloth then breaks free of his chains. Chunk calls the sheriff, who in turn calls bullshit, because of past stories Chunk has made up, including one about “all those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on them.” But the call is cut short as Chunk tries and fails to keep Sloth from going into the fireplace. Elsewhere, the Fratellis are running into the booby traps Data set up. The other Goonies need a potty break, and after the boys go into the cave Brand designates as the men’s room, Andy decides that now is the perfect time to make out with him. But she unknowingly ends up doing so with Mikey, causing Stef to laugh herself silly. Data ends up falling into a ditch, but saves himself from the spikes below thanks to one of his inventions. He informs the others of the room he’s now in, where the Goonies find an organ made of bones. The map says that they must play the notes on the back, but they’re screwed if they make too many mistakes. With the Fratellis closing in, Andy manages to play the right notes thanks to her piano lessons. Her playing opens up a passage that leads to a waterslide, which takes them to a huge grotto. Their eyes widen as they find Willy’s awesome pirate ship the Inferno anchored here. They board the ship and Mikey gives his regards to the remains of Willy found inside. At Mikey’s request, they help themselves to the treasure, save what’s in the platter in front of Willy. But the Fratellis show up and force the Goonies to give up the treasure they’ve packed. They also force Andy into the water by walking the plank, prompting Brand to go after her. As Stef and Mouth are about to join them, Chunk and Sloth show up to save the day. While Sloth deals with his mom and brothers (in a nice in-joke, Sloth is now wearing a Superman shirt), Chunk and the others abandon ship and head for light they see at the other end of the cavern. They realize that the candles they found earlier are in fact TNT when they light one, which quickly causes a large boulder to block their way. Sloth moves it while his family attempts to get Willy’s treasure. Alas, we see the reason for Mikey telling them to leave some for Willy: the Fratellis’ meddling activates another booby trap, causing the cave to begin breaking apart. Sloth helps the Goonies get out and is big-hearted enough to go back for his abusive mom and brothers. The Goonies arrive on the beach and are soon joined by the families as well as the police (one of whom is played by director Richard Donner). The Fratellis come out as well and are promptly arrested, although the Goonies ensure Sloth won’t be taken in too. Chunk invites Sloth to live with him, and I guess Chunk’s parents and sister are fine with a stranger now living under their roof. Troy’s father arrives with those foreclosure papers, but Rosalita shows them the jewels that Mikey was able to keep in his pocket. As they celebrate the fact that they won’t have to leave their homes now, everyone is astonished by the sight of the Inferno sailing off with the Goonies all cheering.

Like E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, a big reason The Goonies works is because the child protagonists are all likeable and fun. The bad guys are scary but never overly so. Also like E.T., we have yet to see a sequel to this film, although there have been attempts over the years that have fallen through for various reasons. But that’s just as well, as far as I’m concerned, because this film doesn’t need a sequel. Both The Goonies and E.T. are awesome by themselves.